This is a topic that has been weighing heavy on my heart this week. And all year tbh.

Many of you know I was supposed to return back to work last September (2020) after my 12 weeks of maternity leave would have been up. I was totally expecting to return to the classroom full time although. knew it would be hard to leave my baby.

Now that I have been given the opportunity to stay home due to the pandemic and childcare issues, I am suddenly feeling a sudden feeling of loss of identity and purpose. I know, that sounds bad when you say it out loud. Of course my greatest purpose is and will always be being a mom now that I am one. There is nothing I have wanted more in my entire life. If you knew me in high school, you might remember all of my closest friends even referring to me as “mom”. I have always felt very strongly connected to my maternal side.

Motherhood really is as magical as they make it seem. Motherhood is also 10x harder than what they make it seem. Recently, my therapist told me, “You know, society really makes it hard on us women. They want us to work like we aren’t a mom, and be a mom like we don’t have a career.” That blew my mind. I couldn’t have put it better. You don’t see dads struggling so hard with this topic, because, well, society has never told them to. It has always been that they are expected to work. These days you see more stay at home dads and working moms which I think is awesome. However, I have found that the majority of couples still display pretty typical gender roles when it comes to working.

So, begs the question. Do I go back to work? Do I work part time? Do I have all the babies and then eventually make my way back into my career?

Teaching is not as easy as it seems to hop in and out of a classroom, grade level, school, etc. It is also very hard for me to justify working at a low salary “just” to pay for daycare and insurance. But, I know that teaching, being around like-minded others, and connecting with kids really fulfills my soul.

Then, there’s the other perspective. “Malorie, you are so lucky to have the opportunity to stay at home. I would give anything to be with my kids full time!” or the classic, “But you ARE contributing, you are raising a child!” The latter comment really gets me going. Why can’t I contribute as a mother and in my career? Why can’t I have my cake an eat it too? Then I go down the never ending spiral of wondering if I am a bad mom for wanting to put myself first at times…making things more like they were before. The mom guilt is real and I don’t think it is leaving anytime soon.

I have found myself feeling hopeless, depressed, excited, inspired, overflowing with love, anxious, and grateful all in the same year that I have been a stay at home mom. It is so hard because I know that no matter what I decide, my heart will always be torn one way or the other. And, as we continue to have another kid or two, I can imagine it gets even more difficult to divide your love, time and attention.

The time I have had with Baylor this year has been everything and more. I will never regret staying home with him and getting to share every single special moment and see every “first” with my own eyes.

I am not looking for a clear answer here. I just needed to get my thoughts down in writing. Will I make a decision today? No. This week? This month? Not sure. These are the decisions that feel world-shattering in the moment but will eventually come to the conclusion that they are supposed to.

If you are a working mom wishing to stay home, or a SAHM wishing to work, or anywhere in between, just know you ARE NOT ALONE. I love you. That is all for today. <3