I am a woman who has now experienced a miscarriage. A chemical pregnancy. A loss. No matter the name, the pain is the same. Even though it was early, doesn’t make it any easier. 4 weeks 6 days.

“At least it wasn’t further into your pregnancy.”

“At least you hadn’t announced yet.”

“There was something wrong and that’s why it happened.”

“Everything happens for a reason.”

These phrases I have heard people use surrounding pregnancy loss and over the last few days and some how they just really rub me the wrong way. Are they true? Maybe. Is there anything good to say to a woman experiencing loss? No. There really isn’t. It is such a hard spot to be in. That’s not anyone’s fault.

But saying these things does not diminish the fact that my body told me I had a baby inside me, just for it to be ripped away a week later. It wasn’t just “oh well” to me.

I stopped bleeding yesterday, 12/14. Is that TMI? Maybe. Does it need to be heard? I think so. So many women carry their experiences like a burden. There are people who I have opened up to the last few days, friends that I have known for a while now, that have experienced the same or “worse”, but it is impossible to put value on someone else’s loss.

There shouldn’t be comparison. It shouldn’t be a shameful experience. I know I did not do anything to make this happen.

And neither did you.

Here is my story.

December 2, 2021

The day after our 5 year wedding anniversary.

I had taken a pregnancy test during my break at work. I walked into the local grocery store because I was a day late, and my cycle runs like clockwork so I thought something might be up. I had also spent the week crying at work for a number of reasons, and feeling nauseous while getting myself worked up over a number of things.

It was negative, no line. I thought to myself that I must just be stressed from my job that I was about to quit the next day, and that my period would also come the next day.

December 3, 2021

I woke up early to take the other test from the pack I got from the grocery store the previous day. I saw a line. A faint one, but it was there. Ecstatic and googling holiday themed pregnancy reveals for my husband, I packed up my 19 month old and ran to Target as fast as I could for some digital tests so I could see the word “pregnant” and truly believe what was happening.

It happened! It was everything I had hoped for. We bought new stockings. We bought a tiny red “B” stocking for the now 3 positive pregnancy tests I had taken to surprise Dad with that night. He knew it too. He told me he had a feeling all day. We were elated.

I looked up what would be my due date. I looked at our names list on my notepad in my phone over and over. I dowloaded the Baby Names Tinder app. I switched my period tracker to pregnancy mode. Added a pregnancy to my Bump and What to Expect apps. I called the doctor and made an appointment.

December 8

I had a staycation booked for my husband and I. Fancy hotel in Scottsdale - to celebrate 5 Years married and my husband’s big 30th birthday which would be on the 10th, that Friday.

I could not wait to have some much needed time alone with him, to discuss all things baby, to dream about what our lives would be like now as a family of 4!

I was packing and cleaning the house that morning. I was mopping and went to the bathroom. Something felt wrong. You guessed it. Blood.

After lots of phone calls we decided to still go to our almost house $500 room and try to relax. It could be implantation bleeding, right?

Wrong.

We traded our fancy hotel room, dinner reservations, a couples reflexology massage, and a relaxing evening for a night in the ER. We spent 4 hours there with no answers. Of course nothing came up on an ultrasound. With at least 100 people in the waiting room, we decided to leave and get bloodwork done the next day.

December 9th

I woke up early to wait in line in the cold outside a lab for 2 hours to finally get pricked.

December 10th - My husband’s 30th Birthday

Tired of waiting on a bunch of doctors and blood tests, I took two more tests. I already knew what was coming.

December 13th

Doctors finally called with bloodwork results. Negative for pregnancy hormone. We already knew. But we were devastated.

December 14th

Finally done bleeding. Finally done seeing the constant reminder.

A message from our baby?

There were several coincidences of crazy things and “messages” that we received before finding out about our loss. I started thinking I was insane, but these weird coincidences WOULD NOT STOP.

I won’t tell you about them all, but I will explain a few of the most wild things that have happened in the days we were in limbo.

After going to the ER, we had a family day the next day (12/9).

After taking a slow walk around the nature preserve, we decided to walk into the library next door, just for fun and to keep our minds busy. We had never taken B inside so we figured we would before they closed.

The next things that happened were quite unbelievable.

The first picture book I picked up out of the children’s bin (not shelf, but a huge bin of books just thrown haphazardly around) was a book showing only pictures. The title of the book was cut off by a barcode sticker that read Baby B_____ (dotted dine shows where sticker was). Well, it was a book of a toddler finding out his mother was pregnant, emulating her body shape with things like balloons in his shirt. I couldn’t even flip through more than 3 pages without tearing up.

Here is a photo of the cover, which I have now seen that was supposed to say “Baby Belly”. Our top names for boys and girls start with a B, and we were shocked when we say a book that just showed “Baby B” in the title.

If you think that sounds made up, you might as well stop reading because I was genuinely in shock with the next book I picked up.

The author’s first name on the very next book was one of our top two baby names we would have used. And may still use.

I was flabbergasted.

It’s not that common of a name. And yes, it starts with a B.

I won’t share that name now in case we still plan on using it one day, but I truly believe this tiny being or soul or whatever it was, was trying to tell us hello.

If you have experienced loss in any way shape or form. At any week of pregnancy, of a family member, a relationship, anything, please feel free to reach out. I believe that I have fully processed what has happened, and am grieving through it. It was a whirlwind of a week.

I am not sharing this for pity or for people to say sorry or feel bad. I am sharing it so that people know it happens way more often than you think.

Please be careful when you ask your friends about getting pregnant or having kids. They will share with you when and if they are ready. You never know what someone is going through, even if it appears that they have a glossy, picture perfect life on the internet.

Please reach out if you need to. ❤️

Malorie